Let Your Haters Be Your Motivators.

And those people were the “haters.”  I think so often times we get caught up in our “haters” bringing us down, that we let people deter us from our dream.  When I refer to “haters”  I mean the people that were jealous of you, who talked down to you, and tried to stop you along the way of your journey.  For myself, whenever I encountered them it did not want to make me quit, but it only wanted to make me push harder.  I wanted to show them, that if I wanted to do something no matter what they did, what they said, or how they tried to stop me; they would not have any affect on me or what I was trying to do.  The best way that I know how to do that, was to work harder and succeed. 

As I was completing my book Waiting for a Man After God’s Own Heart.  I came to the acknowledgment section of my book.  

I thought to myself “who is it that I can thank the most that push me to finish my book,” which had been a long term goal for me.  After giving Thanks to God, it became very clear to be the various people that helped me want to finish my book and pursue my aspirations and dreams.  

I hate when I hear or see people give up for the simple that their “dream” was not handed to them on a silver platter.  So many of us, allow people to talk down to us and make us think that we cannot do something, after we had already made up in our minds we could. 

If someone tells you that you cannot do or be what you want.  That does not mean give up.  That means use their negative words as your strength, prove them wrong, and succeed anyway.  After all, if you give up on your dream then that would only mean that you were proving them right.  Therefore, I encourage you to look at having “haters” in a different way.  Having haters does not mean that you will not succeed, it does mean that you are not good enough, it only means that you are doing your job right.  

If other people did not feel intimidated by you or threatened by what you were doing, Then they would not care to say anything to you.  The fact that they want to hate and tear you down, only means you are doing you are doing something that causes for their attention.  When no one cares or is worried about what you are doing, then you should be worried. As an example is that the most influential people in the world today,  have people that talk about them daily.  

I have come to learn, that when you reach the level of success you desire, people are only going to come at you harder.  Therefore, to have haters on the minor level, only means that you are preparing to have them on a bigger level.  So do not let the haters be your discouragers.  Let them be your motivation to succeed.  Just to give you an idea of a note to my “haters.”  I will give you an excerpt from my acknowledgment in my book.  

　“Last, but certainly not least.  I would like to thank the haters, people who did me wrong, and those who never thought I would amount to anything.  It is through their negative energy and words that made me want to push harder and make liars out of them.  If God told me to do something, what makes anyone think they can stand in my way.  I thank those who did not believe, because it helped me show them that with the power of God, all things are possible.” 

　In  closing I say this.  Let your hater be your motivators, who cares what they think.  Keep going.  Its not like they like you anyway.  The biggest revenge that you have against them, is to prove them wrong. 

Waiting for A Man’s After God’s Own Heart
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Look For Love Over Lust. Here is Why!

Let me try to explain this concept in a more tangible way.  When a man meets a woman the first thing that is going to attract him to her is more than likely going to be her appearance.  And there is nothing wrong with this. But you have to look beyond that.  If a man is looking for a wife and is so attracted to her that he marries her off the strength of appearance alone.  It could be possible that he could make a grave mistake.  The reason being, because he never got to know her inside.  

I am going to chose to address something that I often see when doing couple’s counseling or just observing couples in general.  And that is choosing their boyfriend or girlfriend based solely on how they look but never getting to know what goes beyond that.  The reason this idea first came to me because I feel that media has turned the outside image to being more important than your inside image (better known as your personality).  Now do not get me wrong, I personally feel that you should try to look your best and you should be physically attracted to your partner.  But after looking your best, you need to have something to go along with that. 

I often here men complain about wives or girlfriends do not cook, or clean, or they are a bad mother, or have a bad mouth, or party all the time, do hard drugs, cheats, run off randomly in the middle of the night, I mean the list can go on and on.  But at the end of the day.  They chose that woman, and had they not been so concerned with her outward appearance, they may have found out that she would not be a good long term partner.  

As I was watching television the other day, I saw a couple and was amazed. They were married for several years and the wife wanted a child and the husband didn’t  The wife of course was heartbroken over the fact that she may never get a chance to be a mother.  I found that I was much bewildered by this story.  When they were dating had they not discussed the very basics of a the relationship such as having kids.  Or were they too busy having sex to have real conversation about what their future together would be. 

Love does not equal lust.  And if you do not know the difference, I encourage you to stop having sex with your partner for a while and find out if you actually love them and not just their body. Or what they do to you in the bedroom.  

In closing I feel a quote that best sums up what this article is trying to say is “ Charm Fools, and Beauty fades”. Proverbs 31:30

Meaning that whoever you are with will get old, they may gain weight, or may not look so pretty when they are pregnant, or sick in the hospital bed.  And when that happens, you still want to be able to look at them the same way and feel that you love them.  When a baby pops out you want to know without a shadow of a doubt that this person is going to be a good parent.  Not a parent that is going to leave a 6 months old baby crying in the crib all day alone, while they are out getting their nails done. 

So I dare you to look deeper than what is on the surface.  Do not just think “I will get with her because we will have pretty children.”  Think once we have those children is she going to be a good mother.  Think is she going to be the type of women that I would like my daughter to grow up to be or my son marry.  If the mother of your child is walking around with her nipples, breast, and imprints of her vaginal lips showing while in public.  Then you may want to rethink having her as the mother of your children.  A child will do what you do and not want you say.   Looks are important when first meeting someone, but the inside is more important when it comes to weather the relationship will last or not.

Children Do What You Do. Not What You Say

This article is going to address a topic that is near and dear to me, and that is parenting.  As I watch some of these reality shows or parents out in world, is amazes me on how bad some of these parents are.  I do not mean to come across as being harsh, but it would probably be best if some people just did not have children.  I myself am a single mother and cannot say that I have done everything 100% right.  But what I can say is that I do try, and with trying come improvement.  

A specific topic that I would like to focus on in regards to parenting is the image that you send out to your children.  Children are like blank canvases, they learn from their parents and the world around them.  That’ts why it is important to always portray your best possible self in front of your child, because they are watching.  

I will turn this idea on myself.  My son is 5 years old and I have noticed that when he looks at television, commercial, or see women in person and he is starting to notice that they are pretty.  For those of you saying that 5 years old is too young, I will disagree and say it is not.  I am not allowing my son to have sex, but to have a attraction or to start to view the opposite sex as pretty is normal at this age.  In any case, I have noticed in particular the type of women that my son thinks is “pretty” those are his words.  And they are women that sort of imitate me.  Let me explain what I mean by this.  When my son saw Kerri Washington in Scandal, he was so infatuated with her.  However, I notice that when he sees her outside of that character it is not the same affect.  Let me explain why I think this is.  In that role she dresses very professional.  When I stepped out of the home I tend to dress very professions.  In that role, she speaks very articulately, my sons know when mommy speaks she articulates herself well.  The list can go on and on, but essentially what my son is attracted to are the things that he sees that his mom his. 

He is attracted to women who are well groomed, well dressed, and are beautiful.  This is because this is how my son sees me.  I will take this a step further and even say that when my son sees a women that he feels is attractive, he even goes so far as to say that he s going to marry her.  And even though he is 5 I am proud of that.  At my son’s Christian school, they have already talked about the idea of marriage and how it is seen in the Bible.  I am glad that he did not say “ I want kiss her” or “I want to touch her boobies.”  This may seem a bit overkill for you, but you will be surprised at how many children his age will say that.  I know this because i have observed children his age talking about boobies and squeezing boobies.  Once again, this is something that I am sure that they have picked up from some where.  

My points is simple.  You are the best role model to your child.  A child is going to do what they see you do.  If you tell your child not to do something and they see you do it, they are going to gravitate to what they observed not what you say.  You then have not leg to stand on, when you catch them doing it.  The first thing they are going to do, is throw it right back in your face.  Parents, (both fathers and mothers) be the type of person that you want your child to be.  Be the type of person that you want your child to grow up and marry.  And do not wait until their a teen, start from the very beginning.  As soon as a child is born, the absorb everything around them.  Each behavior that you do, leaves in imprint on their little brain. So leave positive impressions over negatives ones.  It will help your child grow into a healthy adult. 

Top 4 Quotes from my upcoming book (Ch. 10-11, unedited version) Waiting for a Man After God's Own Heart

By Sophia Reed MSHS Coming Early 2014

1.  If you truly repent then you repent to God without the intent of doing it again.  So having sex, repenting, and then doing it again the following day or week is not true repentance.  Now if you truly repent and you truly accidentally mess up, then God understands that we make mistakes.  But this must truly be an accident and Gods know your heart. There is no fooling him and pretending that you accidentally had sex after you told God that you were not going to, and knowing that you should not have taken that man up on the offer to cuddle in his bed with no clothes on. Then when sex happens you see it as an accident because you only intended to cuddle.  I don’t think so. Let’s be real.  This is setting yourself up for failure. 

2. I have also learned that when you have sex before marriage, sometimes it actually makes a man drag his feet in marrying you.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right? When a man looks at you, he has to think “why I should marry this person.  What is going to be different from marrying this person that I do not get now?”  Well sex is one of the main things, and I am confident that when a man truly gets to know you outside of sex then it is easier for them to want to wife you up. 

3. The reason why I bring this is up is because there are so many women who abandon their children to be with men or even put men over their children.  Even looking at news stories some of these women are willing to kill their own children over a man or allow a man to abuse their children.  Something is really wrong with this picture.  First off, if a man allows you to continually put off your children to be with him, this is not real man.  A man that talks down to your children, talks bad about your children, does not like your children, or does not want to be around your children; is not the man for you.  

4. Another thing that I want to speak to single mothers about is not having you kids look like a hot mess.  There is no sense for you to wear all these name brand clothes and your 5 year old child running around in a pull up, with a snotty nose, and a shirt 3 sizes two small.  Please stop the madness! Take care of you children.  Like I mentioned above when a man sees you all dressed up and your kids looking like a hot mess they do not think “look at that hot woman and her little misfit let me approach her.”  They think how you are trifling and are selfish to have all new clothes and you children looking like little orphan Annie. 

Celebrity Relationship Spotlight Real Housewives of Atlanta

In this article I wanted to do a celebrity spotlight on two relationships that I find interesting and that contain problems that could happen in any relationship.  Both of the relationships stem from, the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  And although there are many problems on this show, the relationships that I would like to focus on is Todd and Kandi as well as Pheadra and Apollo.

Lets first start with Todd and Kandi.  So, this is where we clearly see a mother coming in between a relationship.  And although I do not know either of them I would like to say that Todd really seems like a good guy.  A specific episode that I would like to focus on is where Kandi had the conservation with Todd about her mother not “feeling “ him.  After which point, Todd was understandably upset.  First I would like to say this.  There are times when you do not take a man side over your mother's.  But this is NOT one of those times.  At this point and time Kandi made a commitment to Todd and they are engaged.  When you are engaged or married to a man, its time to cut the umbilical cord and get away from your mother.  In a marriage you cannot be in two households.  This goes for men and women. You cannot be in a household with your significant other and still be in other household with your parents.  In this case, allowing her mother to come between a relationship can  possibly cause her to miss out on a good man.

Someone is going to have to be willing to put there foot down, and I think Todd did a good job at that.  He told Kandi to call his mother and set up a meeting between the three.  The only option that was given was to use his phone or hers.  Here I see Todd fighting for Kandi and their relationship.  But because, Kandi does not want to put her foot down with her mother, she may loose out on a good man.  A man can love you, but he is not going to continue to be in a relationship with you if you allow other people to talk bad about him or are not willing to stick up for him.  And if the shoe was on the other foot, I am sure Kandi would expect the same thing.  I think the biggest lesson that we can learn here is that allowing other people in your relationships that does not belong there can and will cause huge problems.

Also, when you decide to get engaged or married, then understand that they are your primary family now.  And obligations first and foremost belong to that person.  Don’t believe me, that why the Bible says that “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife” Mark 10:7.  This is just one example there are several versus that say this throughout the Bible.  You can have one foot in your parents door and then one in your husbands, a choice needs to be made and it should be your spouse.

The second relationship is Apollo and Phedra.  Now, this is something that is amazing to me.  I personally think that Phedra is way to calm, and Apollo is delusional.  In case you do not know about them, lets recap.  Phedra is not getting along with a fellow house wife Kenya.  For some reason, her husband Apollo and Kenya has been texting one another.  And for some other reason, Apollo feels justified in this and does not feel as if he owes his wife an explanation.  This whole thing is wrong.  I don't care weather the text was harmless or what.  No other woman that you do not approve of as his wife should be texting your husband, period.  And to really put icing on the cake, your husband should never under any circumstance text her back, and you not know about it or  not be fully in the loop about what is going on.  I do not believe in creating unnecessary conflict in marriage, but I think here it is warranted.  I think this is prime time in which Phedra needs to put her foot down and up Apollo’s hineparts.  Sometimes it just takes you to get crazy on your husband one good time before he realized that you are not the one to be toyed with.  I love Phedra for being an intelligent and educated woman.  And i know she has a backbone.  Sometime as woman we need to flex, and let men know what we will and will not tolerate.  And we should commit to showing them this by almost any means necessary.  I just want to tell Phaedra that she is letting Kenya come entirely too close.  I don't care if Apollo’s number needed to be change or I I needed to have regular access to his phone when and where I see fit.  It would not happen, or all hell would break loose on both of them.  And sometimes men just need to be reminded of that. That you are his wife, your are his flesh, and your opinion does matter.

Two of these relationships may seem distinctively different, but they are not.  They are both cases in which they are letting other people come into their relationships that do not need to be there.  Therefore causing much conflict, confusion, and other types of non sense that could have been avoided.  Therefore, the morale of this story is do not let any and everyone on your relationship. And never sit by and let someone else destroy your relationships.

5 Reasons Good Reasons Why You Should Get Married

Although being single can be good. Marriage can be just as great, especially to the right person.  I hold the belief that people should get married.  Provided that they are mentally ready to do so.  However, society would have you thinking different.  They tell you that singleness is the way to go.  So here are five reason why you should get married.

1.       Regular Sex.  Yes, I starting with this one.  Although as a single person you can have sex with as many people as you want.  But you are also putting yourself at risk.  With as many STD’s and everything else going around.  It would behoove you to want to be with one person.  A person that you love and is STD free.  Having sex with everyone, is not the art of making love.  Being with everyone you miss out on what true intimacy is.  Being married, you have regular sex, with a person you love, that is clean.  Being single means trying to go out and find sex, sometimes having dry spells, and putting yourself at risk for STD’s.  There are some diseases that even condoms cannot protect you from.

2.       Financial Stability.  It does not take a rocket scientist to realize that two incomes are better than one.  And with two incomes you can have more.  A bigger house, a nicer car, go on vacations more.  Being married is not all about money.  But it sure does help with the paying of all the bills and knowing that someone has your back financially if need be. Also it is said that men who are married make more money.  This could be that they know they have responsibilities and a family to provide for at home.  Therefore, it sometimes being married can make you want to reach your maximum financial and career potential.

 

3.       Social Support.  Being married means that you know and make a dedication to this person.  We all have bad days and there are times that we just want to come home and tall about or just be held.  Or sometime we just want to come home to a hot plate of food and not want to cook.  Being single does not afford you that.  Sleeping with a lot of people may afford you that, but you will not be getting deep quality connection that you could be getting when you are married.  That is because you are spreading yourself between two many people and it cannot fully give yourself fully to one person.  Even if you just have one person that you are with, they can always just get up and walk away if need be.  A marriage says that they are committed to you, emotionally, socially, and every which way else.  It says that that person just can’t get up and walk about when things get hard.

4.       Build a Legacy.  You do not need to be married to have a child.  But there are so many benefits to the child by growing up in a two parent married household.  They are able to have the same last name and not have split visitation.  Not to mention growing up in two parent household means higher self esteem and the more likely hood that they would do the same and get into healthy relationships themselves. So you are really setting a good example for your children when you get married.

5.       Because God said to.  Do not get it wrong. Some people should not be married.  But the Bible says that it is not good for man to be alone.  Therefore creating woman.  The Bible, it describes marriage as the way Christ loved the church.  When you think about that, what a powerful type of love.  And when don’t and blessed properly by God, I believe that it can bear good fruit.  So get married, stop thinking the single life is so great.  There is a whole side of marriage that is being missed by some.  Causing them to forgo it.  However, when done properly, it can be most beneficial.  So look at the benefits and view marriage and different way.  

Making a Change for the Better is God Pruning You

People often tell me that I am nice person and I have a sweet personality.  This is not to brag on myself or to say that I am better than others.  But it is rather to make a point.  This may be hard for some people to believe, but I use to really have an anger problem.  I used to be explosive, to the 10^th power!  I use to be the type of person that if you so ever looked at me wrong I would have a problem with it AND have no problems telling you what my problems with you was.  But the thing is, somewhere along the line in my life, that changed.  It was not over the course of months, weeks, or days, but rather something that changed over my life time.  I had come to realize that I could not have heartily serve God that way.  I was going to be a Christian or I wasn’t, either I was going to strive to be like Christ or stay within the world.  I could not be both. 

If you are a Christian you should always be growing, and you should always be learning about God and His word.  Because if you read and know God’s word, you are then responsible for practicing the word.  I could not continue to read and recite “love thy neighbor,” and then go and curse my neighbor out whenever they said something that I did not like.  I could not continue to read, “do not let the sun set on your anger,” but carry grudges for weeks, months, to years on end.  So what I chose to do, was to conform.  I chose to read the word, follow the word, and before I knew it I was changed. 

This is what we call God pruning us.  When you think about the idea of pruning, you think of weeds growing throughout a bush.  That or either dead leaves that are growing from a bush, causing it to look and be ugly.  The weeds are some entangled in the bush so much so that the gardener then as to prune the weeds from the bush.  Sometimes hurting the bush and breaking parts of it in the process.  When the gardener gets to the dead parts of the bush, the parts that cannot produce anything and makes the bush looks ugly, the gardener then cuts those parts from the bush.  We never think of the bush as hurting, all we see is this beautiful plant in the end.

This parable I just ventured off into may confuse you.  But I want to compare it to the way God prunes us humans.  We were born into sin and are selfish by nature.  However, if you truly follow God then he will prune you.  He will remove all the ugliness and things from you that do not bear fruit.  This may consist of anger, jealousy, negativity, promiscuity, along with a billion other things.  It is going to hurt when he does it. But if you yield to the process.  You will become the person that God want you to be.  A better and more productive person, that is willing to go out into the world with a purpose.  When all the negative things are pruned from you, you will notice that you are a lot kinder to others,  a lot more positive,  you will be changes for the better, and strive to be more like Christ.  After all that is what being a Christian is right, striving to be like Christ.  So I say to you today, stop fighting God.  He is going to have his way anyway.  So either you can work with him and have the minimal amount of pain as he prunes, trusting he is making you better for the best.  Or you are going to work against him, making him hurt, cut, twist, and bend you along the way so that you can conform into his image of you.  It really is your choice, I but I recommend doing it the easy way and just going with God.  

Top Five Quote from my Book Chapter 7-9 ( unedited version) Waiting for a Man After God's Own Heart Coming Soon

1. I do not think that I disappoint God in the way that I serve Him.  And at the end of the day, what matters is what God thinks about me serving Him.  The best thing that I can say is that I know God, I know my relationship with Him, I know that He is proud of me, and that He knows I serve Him always.  Not just in church, but at work, and at home, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. Do not allow other people to speak things to you if you know they are not true.  I do my best and spend as much time with God as I can. I encourage all people single or not, to do the same.  God knows our hearts, He knows are responsibilities, and He knows what we are physically able to do versus what we cannot do.

2. Through everything that I do and everything that I am, I asked God to make me what He wants me to be.  I transformed into His image of me.  So when people tell me that I do not know myself and this is why I am not married, I feel like this is an insult.  Even more, I feel like I have to know myself to not to feed into what these people are saying about me, because there was a time when I did.

3. The Bible speaks a lot about beauty.  Most says that beauty fades but the inside of a woman stays on.  Which is true, but I am going to be honest with you.  If you want a man, they are going to have to look at you and be attracted to you first.  That is the only way they will get to know your inside.  I would love to sit here and tell you that it is okay to step out of your home and not care about what you look like and that you will meet prince charming.  But it is not true.  Men are visual, and honestly as a woman I am too.  If you still do not believe me, why don’t we look at the book of Esther?  Do you know when Esther was gathered as one of the virgins to possibly one day be a queen, she had to go through preparation.  The preparation that she went through was for a whole year and it consisted of beauty treatments.  She had to go through beauty treatments before she was brought before the king.  I think because no king would want a sloppy woman that did not care about their appearance to be his queen.  We know from the Bible that Esther was beautiful and not sloppy, but none the less she needed to go through preparation to go before the king.

4. Okay so expectations are a big one for use women.  I used to be one of those women that did not have expectations.  My expectation first consisted of a person that was interested in me, then to one that was cute, but as you can see from some of the above stories this did not serve me well. Also I come to realize that I deserve better.  Now I am to the point that I do not even entertain those that I know are not right for me.  I think a large reason why I entertained those in the past for the simple fact I was bored, I wanted attention, or I thought that perhaps they would grow on me and I would not want to turn down somebody that was the one, so I just kind of gave everyone a chance.

5. As a side note, if you are in love I get it, but if neither you nor him have a job, money, or any way of making money.  Do not get married just yet.  Love is a part of marriage, but not all of it.  The other parts are finding a place to live, affording a place to live, paying bills, food, things that cost money! So if neither or you have any, you are setting up stress in your marriage.  This will cause a big strain on a marriage.  Just wait until you have things figured out first before making the commitment.

He who find's a wife, finds a good thing. Not the other way around. Stop Chasing Men!

The verse that is ringing in my head today is “he who finds a wife, finds a good thing.’’  When you really think about it, it is a powerful statement.  I do not know what is going on with women these days.  It would seem as if the desperation is dripping off of them liked beads of sweat on a hot summer day.  You may laugh at this analogy, but some women are so hard up for a man or marriage, that they are willing to compromise their own pride and self-dignity to get it.  Women, in case you did not know, you are supposed to be the prize.  A man that is ready to get married will be looking for a wife, and if you are the woman that he is looking for then he is going to find you.  You should not have to chase him down, convince him of your worth, cook and clean his house, in order for him to realize that.  He should be in active pursuit of you. 

It would seem that men would have us thinking the other way around.  I was watching this reality show Real Preachers of LA.  On it was a woman in hot pursuit of a preacher.  She had been chasing him for about 16 years!  Cooking for him, cleaning for him, “playing” his wife, when he did not give her that title, nor did he intend to.  When she finally did have the marriage conversation with him, she was somehow shocked to hear that he did not see himself getting married.  You have to look at people’s actions, and if in 16 years he was not willing to claim you as his own, then you should have been gone 15 years ago!  Cease cleaning his house, stop making him food, and go about your business.  It would seem that women are afraid to walk ways from situations that are obviously jacked up.  Women, you do not need a man, you need a GOOD man.  I do not care how great the sex is, get a hobby to occupy your time and keep it moving.  Why would you want to sit and play someone’s “wife” when he is not willing to make you the real thing?  All he is doing is buying time until the “real” one comes along.  A man will let you cook for him, clean for him, tell you that he cares.  But actions speak louder than words! He should be willing to wife you because he sees the value in you, and the thought of losing you devastating to him.  No convincing on your part is needed.

If you are single, and have no options for a man right now.  That does not mean you have to lose all of your senses and go chasing after everyman you see. You come off as desperate, and it is a turn off.  If when you first met a man and within the first week he told you that he ready to get married, impregnate  you with his 5 kids, meet your family, and pulled out a wedding ring.  You would more than likely bolt to the nearest police station to get a restraining order.  So why do women feel within the first 10 minutes of meeting man you have to be coupled up.  Allow yourself to get to know the person, and figure out whether you really like them.  I get that you want to get married, but you should determine that.  You should be the one who determines if you like HIM, if he fits into your life and your goals, if you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.  Women, sometimes you have to get off of the idea of being a wife, to see if the he would make a good husband.  Stop being so thirsty!  When you do this, you find out that the man your chasing, really isn’t a good fit for you at all.  It could also be the strength and independence that draws the man to you.  Not the “ready to get married” sign around your neck.  I have come to find that men want to get married just as much as we do.  But they do not want to be forced into it.  And that is exactly what chasing does.  So stop chasing a man.  Be yourself and let your future husband find you.  It’s the best way, and chasing a woman is in a man’s DNA.  So let them do it.

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